Hello again, friends.
Yes, I had another short gap between entries. I thank you for your patience. I write when I have something I’m ready to share. This isn’t intended to be a daily journal, but a reflective journal. It’s where I can share my thoughts about various things that affect me, whether good or not. Well, the past few days I’ve been thinking about how to approach the topic of Second Life. I’ve mentioned it a few times previously, but it was pretty superficial. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to share; instead, I have consistently kept Second Life separate from my life. Yes, there was overlap in many ways, but connecting the two points was always about safety above all else.
That being said, I’m going to share a bit more here now. Some of what I share here may have been stated in other entries, but here, I want to connect the dots, because they’re foundations, steps that led to my freedom. This will be a longer entry that shares significant details of my Second Life.
My first encounter with the platform was in July 2006. I stumbled onto it at random, created an account, and logged in. It was a 3D virtual world, a sandbox. It wasn’t a game. It wasn’t a chat room. It was something else entirely. At the time, though, I couldn’t understand what it was. I remember wandering around and thinking, “What is the point?” I saw no draw to log back in after the first couple of times 20 years ago. Exactly three years later, in July 2009, I stumbled onto Second Life once more. I had forgotten about my earlier experience there and created a new avatar to join the world. Of course, like my previous avatar, this one was created as a male. I even used a slightly altered spelling of my name, thinking I had to be myself in the virtual world. That meant creating a virtual representation of my shadow.
In 2009, Second Life had entry zones. They were themed welcome areas where you could learn about Second Life. I chose “Fae Crossing” (or something like that) because of my love of fantasy. I walked through the welcome area. There were people there, real people behind other avatars, greeting me. I started to see what this world was about and its potential. The welcome area also had gifts for new members. There were several things offered, but the thing I remember most was seeing a dress. I even remember that it was a blue dress. I wanted to get it and wear it, but I was a male, so I couldn’t. What would the greeters think if I grabbed it? Looking back, I realize they wouldn’t have cared, but at the time, I thought I would be judged. Of course, I was judging myself harshly.
The thought of the dress didn’t leave my mind. I knew I could create a female avatar. I hadn’t done that because I believed it wasn’t allowed. Not because anyone was telling me it wasn’t allowed, but because my own shadow was telling me that I couldn’t do it. I pushed those thoughts aside, and the next day, I was determined to create the female avatar and get that dress for myself.
What followed felt like the start of a rollercoaster ride. I was elated to have the dress. I even got some fairy wings to add to it. Then there was the new skin that didn’t mask the genitals. There was nothing sexual about the skin choice for me; it was just seeing the avatar as complete. I couldn’t describe what I felt, but I knew something clicked. Yet, I still felt like an imposter. Like I was just a guy, pretending to be a girl. I wasn’t, though, but I still didn’t have a complete understanding of what I was experiencing. Deep inside, I knew I wasn’t pretending, but I couldn’t explain it. So, I would tell people, “I’m really a guy.” I didn’t want anyone to think I was lying to them.
I can still clearly remember one reaction I received. I told a guy, so I wouldn’t feel like I was tricking him. He got very hostile. I don’t remember his exact words, but I remember the hurt that it caused. I was rejected for being who I was. It was just text on a screen, but still, the words cut me to the core. Despite that, I still thought I had to divulge that information. That was until I met a woman, a friend, who straight out told me, “Stop telling people that. You’re a woman. That’s all that matters.” It was toward the end of 2009. I don’t remember her exact words, but that quote was the essence of what she told me, and I took it to heart. It was the first time I was truly seen and validated, and I cannot begin to describe how that felt.
December 2009 was the next significant step. My virtual reflection was born. I had created other avatars before this one. I tried a couple of other male avatars, but they didn’t “fit”, so I didn’t stay with them. I created a couple of other female avatars for different purposes, but they didn’t last. This one was created because I wanted to find out more about BDSM. I knew nothing about it, but my new friend had a Mistress. So, I thought I’d learn more about it from her, but I wanted to use a “clean slate” to experiment with. Though that, I discovered my submissive side. More than that, this new reflection started to reflect my true self more and more each day. I wasn’t named Jessica yet, but I had a name in Second Life. I no longer felt like I was lying to anyone. I was still afraid my shadow would be discovered, but I was finally free to express my true self.
The journey of self-discovery through Second Life was slow. I wasn’t measuring it at the time, but I’m reflecting on it now. My first Mistress knew that I was new to BDSM. I had found my original avatar from 2006 and used it for land and weekly in-world stipends. I told her that it was my original account. Her response was “It’s a male.” After that, she ghosted me. I can only assume that was the reason, and it wasn’t a good feeling.
In 2010, I had a bad experience with someone. It was so bad that I considered leaving Second Life or creating yet another new account to return under. Instead, I remembered my weretiger character from Dungeons and Dragons. So, I found a tiger avatar and became a tigress. It was my first time with the furry community. It was through that community that I started learning even more about myself, and one of my friends there was the one who helped me after I was unexpectedly laid off. I went through many furry forms over the years until I finally landed on the snow leopardess I still am today.
The BDSM family, furry, was the next experience. It was a Master and a Mistress. The Mistress was terrific, but the Master? He was challenging to deal with, to say the least. After a short time, I finally said “goodbye” to them. I had met another woman who would become my second Mistress, and she helped me to leave that toxic situation. This was another family, but a more stable one. I was the only furry, but I was accepted. We were all very close, but unfortunately, my newness to BDSM caused a lot of tension with my Mistress. I would ask questions, trying to learn, and I’d get a response that I just had to trust her. My panromantic behavior, where I didn’t want to lose what I had, caused me to cling, probably harder than I should have, when trying to get through the struggles. That was compounded when, after two years, the family started to fall apart due to issues both inside and outside Second Life. The loss of one of her other subs caused her to withdraw, and I kept holding on. Finally, she released me, and I was on my own again.
During the time I spent with the two different families, I met a furry woman who wore diapers. She wasn’t regressed; she was just a woman who happened to be wearing diapers. She was also submissive, and I went to her a lot when I was struggling with my Mistress, trying to learn what I was doing wrong. She was also my first experience with ABDL, even though I didn’t know the name of it at the time. I just thought it was different, but not for me. At least it wasn’t for me at that time.
After that time, I started spending time at a club focused on trans women. Another friend invited me, and I enjoyed spending time there. It was there that I began hosting for DJs at that club. The club was populated by women and “women with extra” as well as some men. Everyone was accepted and having fun. The key part of that last comment is “everyone was accepted.” There was no way to know who was there like me and who wasn’t, but it didn’t matter. Everyone was accepted.
Then the next Mistress came into my Second Life. She was in England, and I was in California. Eight hours between us, which made it challenging to spend time together sometimes, but we made it work. Unfortunately, it didn’t work well. Even though I was with her for three years, it was a time of both good and bad. She would permit things, then when I did them, she would say I did them in ways she disapproved of. It was as if she had never allowed it to begin with. And when I explained, or tried to find where the misunderstanding happened, she would twist the words against me, making my words mean something I wasn’t saying. One time, it was so bad, I felt like I was cowering in the corner trying to beg forgiveness while fire rained down around me. The relationship ended soon after the city began in 2018. I realized how toxic it was, so much passive-aggressiveness. The woman I started the city with helped me to step away from the most toxic relationship I had.
I started my club in Second Life around 2015 with the help of my Mistress at that time. Three years later, I met the woman who was running a kink-centered Sorority. We decided to combine our ideas and build the city. My focus wasn’t the kink; it was on the community. My club was my focus, and I wanted to create a community that was open and accepting of everyone, whether they were there for the music or the kink. At first, we were aligned on those goals, and the community grew quickly. In 2000, we expanded from one region to two, and now have four regions total. Unfortunately, that alignment began shifting around 2001, and as a result, we’ve lost a significant portion of the community. My involvement has diminished, and I’m considering walking away from the city and the club. The community lasted 8 years. It’s still popular, but I feel like I’ve been pushed away from this former labor of love.
In 2000, during my COVID-related furlough, I met my next Mistress. I met her a few years before, and we reconnected at this time. She was a hypnodomme and in the same timezone. At first, everything seemed promising, but there were issues there, some of which I didn’t see until later. As is typical for me, I have blind spots when I develop attachments. I’m desperate for the connections that I’m willing to overlook the trouble. There was a growing sense of passive-aggressiveness toward the city. She was blaming the city for broken relationships when the issue was with her, not the city. Then, I had my stroke. After recovering from the stroke, she grew more distant from me. The city expansion happened at the end of the year, and I did everything I could to align my time with hers and the city’s restructuring. Ultimately, though, everything fell through. She ejected me from her group and released me with a notecard. I managed to talk to her and have her tell me in person. I knew it was coming, so it didn’t affect me as it had with others, but it still hurt.
Shortly before that happened, another friend was talking to me about diapers. I don’t remember how that all came about, and the proper order of things. I do know that I started wearing pull-ups around that time, due to complications from my stroke. I remember wearing them and the comforting feeling they gave me. I started occasionally wearing diapers there as well, and my friend would “change” me there. I started looking into ABDL at that point and realized I was a diaper lover, but I rejected the idea of being an adult baby. This wasn’t about age play. I remembered my friend who wore diapers and related it to how she was. Instead, it was how I understood her, since I didn’t know exactly where she stood. We didn’t talk about it much. By the end of 2021, I was comfortable with wearing diapers in Second Life and would actually wear diapers in the city as well.
In 2022, I met the woman who would literally change my life. She was the first person to see and accept all of me. Everyone else in my life, both in Second Life and outside, saw what they wanted to see. I would make myself be what they wanted me to be. She wasn’t like that. She accepted the shadow. She saw the baby girl before I did. She saw the damage from the previous Mistresses. She made space. She became my Mommy Domme before I even knew I was a Little. Then, in 2023, in Second Life, my Little burst forth. Not because of anything Mommy did. Not because of me trying to be something I’m not. But because I was finally safe enough. I finally trusted enough. I finally had the space. It was frightening, as I felt like I lost control, but once I realized the truth, I was eager to experience more, to regress and be Little again.
Unfortunately, life has a way of derailing you. You’ve read through the derailments that I’ve had over the years. In 2024, that derailment happened again. Mommy started having struggles in her life that prevented her from being in Second Life as much. We kept in touch on Discord and would be in Second Life when we could, but as time went on, her time became few and far between, so toward the end of 2025, it was just occasional messages on Discord saying she missed me and was working to return to me. It’s gotten harder and harder for me. I know she wants to be here, but things in her life keep her from it.
With the city collapsing and Mommy being unavailable, I’ve hardly been in Second Life. I would log in for my weekly DJ sets. I would log in to deal with important city tasks. Aside from that, nothing. I realize that absence has been stifling my reflection. Yes, I have this journal, but my expression was gone. So, now, I’m trying to recover and move forward again. Instead of just surviving, I want to live again. I don’t know how that looks yet, but the first steps have been taken. Future steps will come.
So, I think this was probably my longest entry to date. I was covering a lot of time here, so it’s understandable. I’ll try to avoid that in the future. For now, I thank you for journeying with me through my virtual life.
I am Jessica, and I am growing.
