Hello World!
I’ve decided to start a new journal. In the past, I tried journaling, but I never stayed with it. This time, I want to keep things simple. The point is not perfection, but to write.
With that in mind, what exactly am I writing here? A journal? A diary? The labels don’t matter as much as the practice itself, but names still matter to me. After sitting with it, I realized what I need is a reflective journal. It may borrow from a diary now and then, but the focus won’t be on listing events. Instead, it will be about how I feel, what I notice, and what those experiences mean to me.
Therefore, my reflective journal has been named Jessica’s Musings. As the post title states proudly, I am Jessica. Why did I title this entry I am Jessica when the journal already bears my name? Because that is the heart of this writing. I am reflecting on who I am deep inside, a woman who has often been unseen and unheard, yet who needs space to breathe.
As a youth, I felt different. I didn’t have a name for it at the time, but I did find myself wondering what it would be like to be a girl. It wasn’t until my late twenties that I started learning more about being transgender. At the time, though, I made the painful decision not to transition. The risks, which might be discussed another time, were just too great for me. Then came marriage, and my truth was buried further. It was in my thirties when I discovered Second Life. There, I began to truly express myself. My truth was no longer buried; there was finally an outlet.
Soon, my entire online identity was defined by my Second Life persona, my truth. Now, in my early fifties, I’m realizing that my online identity was exaggerated, a kind of fantasy in many ways. There is nothing wrong with that, but the person who is truly me is Jessica. A woman who could live and function in the real world, even though life circumstances prevent that at the moment.
It’s only been a week since I realized that my true name is Jessica. It’s Jessica that I’ve been suppressing all these years. It’s time to give her a voice. To let her speak. Right or wrong, I still have to live life under my dead name. Second Life remains a lifeline for me, and her name is still valid; my entire online identity will still reflect that, although some may start using Jessica.
So, once more. Hello World! I am Jessica. It is an honor and a pleasure to finally meet you. Even if it is only through these musings, it feels real, and I can already feel the freedom in it. At times, I may reference events associated with my dead name or my Second Life name, but I will never give their names a voice. If they appear here, it will only be as shadows of a story already past. I am Jessica, and the ghosts will not live here.